One From the Archives

We just got a call from my doctor and my billiruben is down to 3.8 which is the lowest it has been since some time in July. It still has a little ways to drop before it is normal, but it going the right direction.

On another note, I was looking around in my blog today and found something I thought I would share. On the day that I got the call, I began to write an entry for this blog. It wasn't quite finished, so I saved it and was planning on posting it sometime the following day. As it turns out, we ended up getting the call that night and I never posted. So here it is. This is where I was at just a few short hours before getting the call.

This experience has been a journey of many emotions. At one point or another in the last two months I have felt the following; nervous, anxious, excited, scared, hopefully, disappointed, frustrated, mad, angry, confused, and depressed. But I am most worried about what I am feeling right now. Nothing.

I can't say that I am really truly any of the above emotions, and I cannot honestly think of another emotion to describe where I am at right now. The only way I can describe it is that I feel numb to the whole situation.

I used to jump up every time the phone rang, hoping it was the call. Now I barely flinch. Every time the phone rang, I would get upset about the fact that had not gotten the call yet, but I would remind myself that it could still come at any minute. Now as days, weeks and months have passed, these thoughts come up less and less.

Before I go any further, let me make one thing very clear. I still have absolutely no doubt that I will get a new liver and continue to live a very full and inspired life. There has never been any doubt about that and that remains the same.

All I can really say is that I am tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of laying around and doing nothing. Tired of being tired. Tired of the same conversations over and over again about how I feel and how I am doing. Tired of being forced to be someone different.

This all came to head Friday when I talked to the liver coordinator and she told me that they have widened the search criteria for my liver. The old limits were up to 150 pounds and 40 years old, The new parameters are 200 pounds and 65 years old. That does not mean that they would necessarily take a 65 year old 200 pound persons liver, but it does open it up to a 151 pound person of any age .

This is good news. Really good news. Probably the best news we have gotten since being place at the top of the list. Yet, I didn't feel like it was. I didn't feel anything.

At this point I am looking forward to the pain of the recovery just so I feel something. More so, I am looking forward to feeling overjoyed when I do get the call. I look forward to feeling the love and support from everyone once the surgery has been successful. I look forward to feeling the relief that this is all behind us and we can move on with our lives.

It is funny how much can change in a few hours...