It was a bit of a rough night for B. He was dealing with a lot of pain in his back, mostly from being on bed rest for so many days. They were finally able to get him something for the pain and he was able to head back to sleep. But we were up quite a while just trying to massage the kinks out of his back. Poor guy!
He also spiked a bit of a fever in the middle of the night. It was a bit over 100, so pretty low grade, but when you are on such high doses of immunosuppression, they take a fever pretty seriously. It's down to just above 99 today and they've done some blood cultures to try and see what might be going on.
In addition, he's started to get pretty swelled and bloated from all the fluids. They're working to get some of that down, but really we just need to get him moving and walking.
Docs came by this morning and were pleased with how all of his numbers were looking. Biliruben was 25 the Tuesday before surgery, and it was 19 the day of surgery. We had it down to about 6.5 a day or so ago, but it spiked back up to 10. The doctor assured us this was normal and feels that once the bowels start to wake up, this bile will be eliminated and the numbers will come back down.
So that's the status update. He's doing well, but we had a nice little reminder that we still have a long way to go in order to get him recovered and healthy. Slow and steady and he'll be back to 100% before we know it.
Of course with all of these bumps last night, I was just tossing and turning. Dreaming mostly of nurses and hospitals, and issues and problems that could arise. When I woke up, it hit me. In one of my dreams, or should I say nightmares, the nurse was confirming it was a small stroke that caused his fever. I woke up relived, but also laughing at myself. I have such an imaginative personality. I can go from A to Z in a matter of minutes. Something is wrong and I start to worry or fret. I like having things that I am able to control, and I tend to worry and stress about the things outside my control.
But in the grand scheme of things, where does that get me? Other than adding to the likelihood that I'll suffer and ulcer before 30, it gets me nowhere. In fact, it's so counterproductive. I can sit and think about a million little bumps in the road that I have been worried about. Jobs, finances, health, and the list goes on and on. Yet when I sit to think about what is really important, what I find is that I waste a heck of a lot of time with my mind focused on things that never become a reality. I stress and worry about things that may never happen, and really have no bearing on the richness of my life.
I have a couple very important things in my life that I would call my 'guiding priorities'. They are all centered around my faith, my love for my husband, and my relationships with family and friends. These are the things that give me energy. The things that cause me to light up and feel at peace. These are the things that I want my world centered around. Yet, so much of my angst and worry is spent on things that have absolutely no bearing on these priorities. Why is it that as a population we have a tendency to focus so much on things which matter so little? Why we tend to put all our energy into things that drain us emotionally, physically, mentally?
I have no idea, but I do know that I am really going to work on this. I know it's not my natural tendency to give up control and go with the flow. But I also realize that when I'm able to do it, everything lightens up. The stress leaves my shoulders, the mood feels lighter, and I can really enjoy the moments with those I love.
Yes, we're in a hospital right now. We're getting my husband recovered from a major surgery. There is the opportunity for worry, stress, and tension. But can I just tell you that I am really enjoying this. I am thrilled knowing that my husband is doing so well. I am elated knowing that there are no more pending surgeries for him on the horizon. I couldn't be more excited for him that he will soon have his body back to health and will be able to enjoy so many of the things that he loves. And I am feeling happy and blessed just to be here with him. Right now he is my only priority. Above all the work and financial worries, I am here. I am here, present, and with the one person who matters the most to me on this earth. I don't even think about the worries outside of this building and I am loving it. My only goal to accomplish here and now, is to work with B to give him what he needs. That includes rubbing his back in the middle of the night, and helping him into the chair when he gets restless, and even giving him his ipod when we wants to tune the world out and listen to some tunes.
I don't know about you, but right now, I'm really enjoying my here and now...
1 comment:
M, you are so brave. With what you are facing it must be very difficult not to get sidetracked with worry. I am so glad you are able to pull yourself out of the worry and live in the moment and just enjoy being with B and the two of you working through this challenge. In the past I tended to be a worrywart to the extreme. Someone explained to me that living in the moment is really one of the best ways to stay calm and really live and enjoy life to its fullest all the time in an at least somewhat relaxed state. I have found it really works. There is so much we can't control in life, and that is the hardest stuff to deal with. Figures, right? When I get sidetracked and in a flurry of worry I do something silly like focus on a snowflake falling to change my focus and take it away from the worry. I literally admire the beauty of the snowflake and how crazy it is that it is so intricate and somehow just that moment helps calm me and bring me back to focus. (we have been getting a lot of those lately here in Chitown so it's nice focuser to have handy ;-)) Seems like you have the right idea of staying focused on what's important. The rest of the stuff, the work, the finances etc., it may create some stress, but somehow it will all work out. (And don't be afraid to ask for help either while all of this is going on. People may have creative ideas and ways to be of assistance. No one should ever have to go through what you and B have, and you and B are such wonderful people, I think people may feel honored to be able to help you in any way.) I feel blessed to have met you and be growing in friendship with you and I can see that many others feel blessed to know you too. And please don't ever be too hard on yourself for getting wound up with worry and unimportant things in life from time to time - from the little I have seen you and B do live your life very fully, share so much love with others, and give so much to each other and to your friends and family.
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