Sleepless Nights...Guest Blogger

So it's 3am on a Friday morning, and after lying awake for the last hour, I've decided to get up. It's M by the way. No chance B will be rising before the sun. That boy needs his sleep!


B and I have decided that I needed to get a "guest blog" in here to give some perspective from the "other side"--the side of being a loved one of someone going through such an immense struggle. Although B and I would both laugh at that last sentence because with all we've been through we've agreed it's the loved ones who have a more difficult challenge than the actual patient. We've each been on both sides, caregiver and patient. While the patient has a more physical impact to deal with in terms of pre-op and recovery, the caregiver deals with more in terms of mentality especially during the actual surgery.


I first realized all of this when a teenager going through my first bout of cancer. I don't think I fully understood it at that point, but I remember thinking how lucky I was that I was the one who had gotten the cancer. I knew I would be okay. I knew I could fight the disease. I knew I would find a way to get through it. I just remember thinking how glad I was that it was me fighting it, rather than having to watch any of my parents or siblings going through it. No, the physical side was not fun, especially the reactions from the chemo and the recoveries from each of the surgeries, but it was much more manageable than what my family was going through. I can't even imagine the pain of my parents. What it must have been like to watch a child fighting for their life, being so sick. I think about my parents watching me get sick numerous times a day, losing my hair, being so weak that it took everything I had some days to walk across a room, and my heart hurts for them. How I imagine their heart ached with the diagnosis and treatment. I just remember looking back on it all thinking "I am so glad it was me. I'm not strong enough to have to watch someone I love go through something so horrible."


And then I met B, and although our life has filled me with more joy than I could have ever possibly imagined, it also would prove to show me just how strong I was as an individual and we were as a couple. Today, after over 5 years of marriage and 10 years together, I know just how lucky to have B in my life. I know that there is nowhere in the world that I would rather be than in his arms (especially in his arms on some tropical vacation enjoying a sunset). And I would take all of the struggles that we’ve gone through for all of the joy that we have been able to experience and all the joy we will continue to experience once we get over this hurdle.


All that said my love for B makes everything that we are going through even more difficult. When he hurts, I hurt. When my mind goes to those scary places, I know that I do not want any part of a life without my amazing husband. We have such dreams together; dreams that all require us getting a new liver so we can get him back to health and move on. We have so much to accomplish as individuals and as a couple.


And knowing the kind of relationship we have, everyone has been asking how I am holding up. How are we “really” doing as some have put it. Well, we are doing. Just as you would imagine, this whole process has us going through all of the ups and downs. We have good days, and we have the days we just cry as we hold one another. At 29, we’ve had to go through more than most people go through in a lifetime. We’ve dealt with cancer, transplants, surgeries, infertility, and yet we’ve had more joy than you could ever imagine.


Life is all about perception—how we perceive what is going on in our respective worlds, and how we manage what we perceive. Some might look at our last ten years, and their hearts might ache for what we have gone through. But my perception is something so much different. Instead of focusing on what we’ve been through, and how hard it has been, as time passes, I can see the other side. I see what we’ve been able to accomplish both because of, and in spite of, the cards we’ve been dealt. We have a love for one another, and for life, that it’s hard to have without going through experiences like we’ve gone through. We’ve learned how important and special family and close friends are. We have a much stronger faith and love for God than we ever had before our journey. And we’ve found that it’s up to us to make each situation a bit brighter. Yes, at times it might feel easier to give up--to give up physically, to give up hope, to give up trying so hard for something that feels so far away. Yet holding hands, we press forward. We hold each other, and we deal.


When I think back to each of the things we’ve been through, what I perceive is so much more than our heartache. For almost every experience, I look back at the pieces of joy filtered throughout the pain. I think of failed attempts at IVF, not in terms of how much our hearts still ache for a child, but instead what cool experiences we’ve gained with the journey. I think about how we visited L.A. and spent some time with my wonderful West Coast family that we rarely get a chance to see. I think about the sunsets on Laguna Beach. I think about the free Christina concert we saw, and I laugh about how we had to pre-arrange to be able to give my fertility shot while standing in line. I think of the Vegas trips, the shows and the sights. I think about getting closer with my sister, and really getting to know one another as adults and as siblings who would go through anything for one another. I think about learning that yes, my mom really is as giving and selfless as everyone thinks. And I think that amidst the struggles, we got so much more joy out of having those experiences than we ever could have imagined.


So no, I’m not currently enjoying every aspect of what we are going through. We have days when we have a hard time finding a “high”. I’m having quite some time dealing with the waiting for all of this, especially as I try to work on my patience. And I know the 10 hours of surgery are going to be some of the hardest hours of my life. But all that said, we are doing. We are making it work. We are approaching this with hearts open to fully experience what it is we are meant to experience. We are getting through because of our faith, our love for one another, and our love from friends and family. And I know that one day, I will be able to look back on this and remember the joy that came out of this heartache.


We’ll continue to wait for the call, and as we wait we’ll make plans for all the cool things we’re going to accomplish once B is better. We’ll try to focus on all the places we’ll go and the things we’ll experience. We’ll try to remember that this is just another hurdle in the challenges we have to experience to make us the people we are meant to be. And when we’re having a down day, we’ll try to focus on all of our loved ones out there thinking of and praying for us. And we’ll continue to pray that this all happens, and that it happens soon in order for us to move past this and on to bigger and better things. And soon, we will hold hands and move on “to the next step…”